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I haven't been having a very good time lately. And I've been out of action on the blog front for a couple of weeks because of it.
In my last post I wrote about mother guilt, and it has continued to be a shadow around me since. I'm trying to define the balance between shrugging off an incident of mother guilt with a "I'm trying my hardest, no point in letting it get me down" attitude, or paying more attention to my gut feeling because perhaps I haven't performed a parently duty very well and I need to try harder.
I've been feeling a bit depressed on and off. Just about the relentless cycle of everyday life really, the wake-work-eat-sleep-repeat routine, the endless chores and responsibilities, the lack of time, the lack of fun.
I've been working so, so hard too. 9-hour days are the norm for me now, and I've worked 12 days out of the last 13 (although the end of today marks the end of another busy period, and the start of a week's leave for me). I've been in dire need of a break from work and it's showing inside and out. I've had snappy moments at home with the family. I've had snappy moments at work with co-workers, and have found it increasingly difficult to hide my frustrations in the workplace.
This has in turn led to a drop in the amount of exercise I'm doing, I'm lucky to be exercising once a week at the moment. I've been eating rubbish for a quick fix. And all my spare time at home is mainly used up by catching up on the ALL THOSE CHORES, rather than doing fun things with Mia and enjoying our time together.
And speaking of Mia, she's just growing up really really fast. I know there are so many things I really need to think about and make a plan for, like starting her on toilet training (she's showing interest, and has a potty which she occasionally asks to use, so the time is right), figuring out how to rid her of the dummy once and for all before it's too late and she can't go anywhere without it, making the move from a cot to a toddler bed, coming up with an agreed plan between Hubby and I on how we will start to deal with tantrums and discourage bad behaviour. But at the end of a long day, I don't want to be thinking about how to deal with these things and what the best methods are for us, I just want to sit down with a cup of tea and then fall asleep.
There's also the blog. Lately I've been completely uninspired to write anything, I couldn't even if I tried. I started wondering why I even blog at all, is it for me? Is it for Mia? Is it mainly to connect with others? Really I think it's probably all three, but in that case, how do I know what to write if I don't know who I'm writing for? What do I even want to write about anyway? I've been feeling that nothing I have to say is any different from anything that's been blogged before, so what's the point? Then I've been torn between wanting to show my blog to everyone I know, because it's beautiful and I love it (the only person in my life who has seen it is Hubby), and wanting to just set it to private forever now because I feel like I've said too much about certain things, and would be horrified if some people saw it. But on the flip side of that, I still don't feel like I've really come out of my shell and shown my true colours here either.
And then another kick in the bloggy pants today. For a long time, about 9 months or so, I have had this idea for a weekly linky that I wanted to start here (actually, I briefly spoke about it when I posted to celebrate the blog's first birthday). I was really excited about this idea, it's the only idea I've ever had for a linky and it just suited my blog perfectly. But then there were the doubts - "I'm too busy now to commit to starting one", "What if I can't keep up with maintaining it?", "What if no one ever joins it, I'll feel like such a loser". As well as, "What if someone out there is already doing something similar that I don't know about, and people think I'm just a copycat?" Now with this last question, I did a lot of wandering around online to try and gauge if anyone was doing something similar, and haven't found any evidence that a similar linky exists. And in the back of my mind I kept saying to myself, "You'll have to start this linky soon before someone else thinks of it and starts it before you!" (Sorry, a lot of internal dialogue in this paragraph, isn't there?)
So tonight, after finishing up another milestone at work and looking down the barrel of some time off, I thought to myself that the week ahead would be the perfect time for me to finally get my butt in to gear and start the linky - why not? Just give it a go! Maybe it will be the boost that I need to get inspired again! I turned on my laptop and had a bit of a scroll through the oldest posts that are still to-be-read in my reader (I'm about a month behind on my blog post reading), and I saw that another blogger who I think is fabulous had started up a new linky last month, which is eerily similar to the one that had been living in my head since last year. On one hand, it's great to see that she is getting a great response to it, in a weird way it kind of validates that the idea I had wasn't a total bummer, and it's just nice to see lots of other people getting in to it too. And I will probably link up myself and join in. But I'm really really disappointed. I don't know whether to just let it go now, or to contact this blogger and explain my idea and that I've been sitting on it for ages, and would she feel like I was stepping on her toes if I went ahead with it? I could show her my linky button? I EVEN MADE A BUTTON! See, I was serious about it!
I feel like a lost wanderer.
In my non-working week ahead, I'm going to try to split my time between finally getting on top of the main housework tasks, getting out and about with Mia to have some fun together, letting myself lounge around and enjoy some peace and quiet (in the two days Mia is at childcare!), and clearing my head so I can start to mentally process all the "How's" and "Why's" currently floating around in there.